Hey ;)
Been busy occupying myself with alot of stuff after getting my results so I didn't have time to blog, so this is what I've been thinking for the past week.
Ever since graduating from RJ in the 2014 batch, I've had so much more time to reflect on the past few hectic years of my life. As a JAE student from a neighbourhood school, entering an elite school meant being introduced into another world. I still remember the culture shock in the first few weeks/months being in the school.
Before I entered RJ, like most people, I felt that RJ students are cocky, elitist, geniuses, and all rounders. (Some of it's still true though) I'm actually quite sure that every school has their fair share of such people, just that in RJ, you'll see abit more.
I didn't really like the elitist atmosphere in school, and the stigma that everyone have towards RJ students can never be applicable to that small minority. For people like me, I studied really hard for O Levels to do well, and since I've got the grades, and RJ was closest to my house, why not? But actually, studying that hard for Os might not be enough for JC. Only a teeny weeny bit of skills learnt in Os are actually applicable in JC, while IP students have already been prepared these skills since secondary school. Really, I just don't get why must the content learnt in Os be slightly different from As. -.-
Plus, the distinction between JAE and IP students are actually quite distinct, while in most other JCs, everyone enter as an O level student. My friends from other schools even asked me what's JAE students LOL. Still, I was blessed to be able to mix in well with everyone and even made tons of really close friends <3
Throughout my 2 years in JC, I've been struggling through every single subject and flunking at least 2 subjects for every exam, even barely missing the meet-the-parents session for those who failed 3 subjects. And my passes are not that good either: 45/100 is a pass in JC, which sometimes I get 43.5 rounded to 44, plus school's moderation which bumps me up to an E grade (aka fail -> pass)
Especially when people around you studied too, and they get straight As, or Bs. So the only way to comfort myself would be to convince myself that I didn't study very hard at all. And make it seem like I really slacked alot, so that I won't feel so bad about myself. But deep down, I knew I really tried, and that lingering feeling of disappointment snowballed on to the next exam.
During the As period, I realised how much I actually hated studying. I never knew I hated studying this much, but A levels proved me wrong. The tension in school, with everyone mugging so hard for the last, final, major exam, was immense. Most of my friends liked studying in school, which I hated, so usually I'll study alone or with my other friends outside of school. But it was the loneliest period of my life, and I felt so out of everything from time to time. Naturally when you're alone with stress hitting in, you'll think of suicide. But of course I won't be so stupid to do such things. Thinking back, I will never study alone unless it's desperate. Maybe next time, all these experiences would be dear to me.
Still, everyone was so supportive of one another be it in class, in volleyball and even in the OG group. :) Anything you don't know? Ask the group. No one knows? Ask the teacher, then tell the group. AHAHAH It's all a cycle and everyone learns together, which was really heartening :)
Everyone was also counting on the bell curve, which I did, too. But no matter how much I knew the bell curve was the most unfair judgement in history, it would be very useful, but only for those above the bell curve, which is similar to stepping on others to get the grades you want. Hearing people going "It's ok there's the bell curve. At least there are students from neighbourhood schools to fill up the bottom of the bell curve." was the most sickening thing I've heard. Seriously. I have so many friends from schools that are considered 'average' but they are still smart.
And reality sets in when you know the school's reputation gives you 'higher priorities'. Especially when getting part time tuition jobs. The practicality mindset of people sets in when parents asks which school you're from, and saying you're from XX JC (as long as it's a school that's seemingly elitist) they'll be glad to have you teaching their child.
On results day, most students would be aiming for their straight As, or maybe 4As and 1B. Or maybe 3As and 2 Bs. Anything worse than that, they'll be disappointed. I don't deny that I wished for another miracle, from Es to As. And though I didn't get the grades most students in RJ would get, I was actually fine with it. Getting ABBC/C was actually quite good IMO. But probably because of the atmosphere, that hidden expectation deep down inside, and the kinds of grades others get, you'll unknowingly compare yourself with others and start to feel horrible. And at that point, nothing could help.
"Grades don't define you"
"It's not bad already what"
There's really nothing a straight As student can say to someone who didn't do as well but to let time help. I was genuinely happy for those who did really well. But really, I think it's because from young we've been taught to compare, either to make yourself feel better or to be motivated to work harder, which really sucks. Comparing with friends from the same school, comparing with friends from different schools, comparing with anything and everything--it made me feel even worse. But it wasn't to the extent that I thought I'll be affected by it. As the comparisons went on, later in the day, I became MAJORLY AFFECTED.
And so I went cycling in the evening to clear my mind and stop myself from comparing. I knew I couldn't lie to myself about how shitty I felt, especially when people started asking how were my results. I didn't even know what to reply. So my answer just became "ok la not so good and not so bad" which I'm quite sure most people assumed (since I was from RJ), its like maybe As with 1 or 2 Bs.
The next few days were basically just shitty. I spent my time with a few friends gymming my body out (does that even make sense LOL) and avoiding mostly everyone else for fear of talking about results. Really, I've actually already set what I wanted to take in uni already, but maybe the hidden disappointment just surfaced from some corner. Everytime I stopped to think about stuff, it all redirects to results which ruins my mood again and I have to preoccupy myself with something to stop myself from thinking.
Time really helps, especially in my case where disappointment just came by and caught me unprepared.
I'm well past that stage now (I hope), and it's just time to move on. 20 years down the road, who would give a shit about your grades anyway? And I wouldn't want myself to get into a uni course 'just cause my grades can make it' again. This time I would do something in my own capacity, and something which I would be able to like together with what I would want to do in the future.
It's the period of uni applications now, I'm really excited for uni. I miss school, (minus the studying), I miss meeting people and getting sick of them, and I miss being in the company of everyone. I won't know what I school I'll go, or what course I'll get into, but I feel so much better now, with one worry off my mind.
But I really hope that everyone enters the course they genuinely want, and not 'just cause their grades can make it'. Especially if they know that that is the path they are heading :)
Nevertheless, I'm really grateful to everyone who supported me when I was at my worst and horrible times throughout JC and being there to enjoy the fun times together; Never would I trade these memories with anything in the world <3
Luv, Olliee
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