Seeing things in perspectives // Musings

This isn't a really common, jovial, fun post that everyone usually reads. It's a week before finals and I've decided to take some time off studying and put together this post which just summarises whatever has been going on in my head for a really long while. 

Sometimes, it's really confusing how life works. You could feel like you're on the top of the world for one moment and be at the bottom the next. Everything hits you unexpectedly and you are unable to shield yourself from it. You could think, "It can't get any worse." But you're wrong. It might. 

Writing this under the blanket in the comfort of my own room, I feel just a little more protected; a little more safe. We are all trapped in the constant struggle of being under authority and wanting more freedom. As we grow older, we slowly realise how the world becomes more and more cruel, more and more self-centred, or is this the world that we have always been living in, just that we are more exposed to it? I'll never know, but the only thing that's for sure is that I'm slowly seeing what's behind that mask. There have been many reflective moments this semester, as different series of unfortunate events start to unfold. Granted, there are good days, but they don't last. 

I still remember how I was so thrilled when I received the acceptance letter to Costa Rica (since I was on the waiting list), but I had to give it up for a sanction by the school at the last minute. I was devastated, and constantly thought of ways to save my trip. At times I felt really hopeful, but I also felt really hopeless. Wanting to not accept my situation, and needing to accept my situation were two different things. Nevertheless, everything still goes on, and even if I felt like I was trapped in that period, it was just because I created those barriers that obstructed myself. The only thing I could do was to make do with my situation and do my best to work around it. I'm really happy with my alternative plans for December this year, but at times I still sulk about not being able to go on the trip. It's now added onto my bucket list when I have the time to travel there for a trip in the future. 

It was really reassuring for me to just constantly believe that exchange was my salvation for everything. "Maybe I'm clearing the bad karma I've accumulated so that I'll have the time of my life during exchange next year," I believed.

Then the next bad news came. It was regarding my exchange and I felt like my world came crashing down. Something which I have been using all this while to reassure me has actually went the other direction. I didn't know what to do, and even now, I still don't know what to do. Even if my flights are booked, my plans are all on hold. Everything I've been looking forward to is now at a standstill. It's all so unjustified, so unfair, so, so, wrong. I'm appealing, I definitely will, but what are the chances of keeping my exchange? I don't know. It's all so untimely. I'm angry. I'm not only angry for myself. I'm angry for everyone. But the only thing I can do now is to wait, study, worry, and wait some more. And when my finals end, things need to be done.

For every bad situation, you would probably feel a variety of different emotions. Personally, I would feel shocked, then confused, then sad (maybe), then angry, then resolutive, then motivated... and it goes back in a cycle. It's something like "THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF REACTING TO BAD SITUATIONS". 

It's never good to see everything in a negative light. And it's not easy embracing these emotions and hard times but you just need to know, that these would let all of your positive emotions taste much sweeter. If you're facing something bad, know that you are not alone in this. Hang in there, time will heal, and when it's finally over, you can say it one last time: "fuck this shit I'm so done with you".

♡ PS. Tough times don't last, tough people do ♡

Luv, Tingz

Musings // Hitting the big 2

hello! :-))

I'm quite sure this post is long overdue but it's alright man because better late than never right?

This is another post for everyone, who've been supporting me all these while, throughout all these months/years when I'm at my lowest (probably), and when I am not the best person to be with (sometimes).

disclaimer: fucking cheesy I think so if u can't stand it plz dun read k :-)

This sem hasn't been really easy, with so much stuff going on about camps at the start (and maybe even now). But I'm really glad that it has finally concluded and all, after > 4 weeks of investigations. It has really affected my mood towards many things, regardless of whether I choose to believe it or not. I knew that the loss of a loved one wouldn't be easy, but I thought I would get over it quickly, but that is also not true.

<3

NEVERTHELESS,

I know my friends and family are still supporting me :-)

And during my birthday, they celebrated for me. Although it was a mini celebration, I was rly touched by it cause it was the start of mid-terms week and all and I was rly glad they remembered :') That week I met up with many whom I hold dear to, even though it was only for a meal, it was really great catching up with everyone. Tbh, I'm rly rly rly grateful to everyone who celebrated my birthday cause I don't really celebrate much LOL.

got this from ass ya!! :-)

hello noob

ex-tablemates ya!!!

janeywaney

bbb

MOVING ON, I received the email from STEERnus, and I. AM. GOING. COSTA. RICAAAAA. I literally felt like oct is a new month new me kinda month, and I actually already expected a rejection email from them. BUT guess what I DIDN'T!! I have been eyeing this trip since last year??? And I actually got to go??? Once I got the email I was so excited I started to spam wendz and even went to the gym to run to burn off the extra energy HAHA. On the other hand I was rly sad I won't be able to make it for my Bintan trip with Janey Waney and ZoukOut SOBZ :-( sorry guys I burden :-(( I will make it up to u ya!! (@janeywaney) LOL.

Alrighty, then on wed (5/10) there was TGIWagon organised by Zouk, and everyone came to my room to predrink before. But guess what again??? They gave me a GOPRO????? I have been eyeing this since FOREVER since I've realised that Hero5 was coming out and I was so so so ready to buy it once it was out on 2nd Oct but whhhuuuuuttttt???? HOLY SHIT. Like. I'm quite sure I looked rly stunned and I didn't cry but that because the shock >>>>>> happiness. HAHAH. I literally just stun there man. HUUUUHHH???? As in, rn I'm still in shock but when I got it it was so OVERWHELMING. In my head was just 'omg rly rly rly is this real is this not a dream is this a gopro is this a toy is this fake is this not real is this really a present'. My thoughts were just jumbled up everywhere at that moment. And I was fucking speechless. I rly rly never expected anyone to do this for me?????? huuUUUuuuuuhHhhHHHH. THANKS GUYSSSS :'))))))))))))))))) (dayum shld have taken a photo inside the room SOBZ)

Say hello to mah NEW BABY

The number of chins I put for my smiley face above just can't describe how grateful I am. I am so so so so so thankful for everyone who contributed to this cause I know this is fucking expensive. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT YA AND TAKE RLY NICE VIDS!!!!! :-))))))) And I know it's rly been hard for yall Bali gang for coordinating all of this so thank u!!!!!!! I like how yall called it lizard fund so gross tho.

:-))

THX GUYS :-)))))))

I tried my best to hav a photo from T house peeps as much as possible :-))) <3

And Finneon ya!!! :-)))) thx guys :-)

And dong hahahah gud job not messing this surprise cause I legitly thought that it was gonna be a wallet LOL. What wld I do wo yall manz T.T

wad wld i do wo u <3 (oh and twinning outfits ya)

On Thurs although everyone was shag as hell we still went for HHN6 @ USS which was A M A Z E B A L L Z. Altho there was a hiccup during entrance I'M SO GLAD WE CONQUERED IT (altho I literally panicked) but all's well!!! The queue for all the haunted houses were so short (around 30-40min) we finished all 5 by 10.30pm. Which was really early, since we got to watch the HHN performance and even got to take the rides at USS. I got to video it using my gopro but it was rly dark so the footage was rly grainy and dark sobz :-(( But here's the vid tho! :-)

It was rly rly rly amazing so highly recommend ya!!! Compared to last year where I went on a popular + one of the later days so it was rly packed and we cld only go for 2-3 haunted houses and the queues were arnd 1h++ :-((( But this year there wasn't as many scare zones but it's ok!!!! Highly recommend the clowns one (Bodies of Work) and Old Changi Hospital!!! rly rly vvvv scary HAHAHA but after that I just laughed hahaha.

You can see more of my experience in HHN6 here:-)

HHN6!!!

Anyway, it's really funny how life works sometimes??? It's really full of ups and downs like a fucking rollercoaster but only with the bad parts it rly makes you cherish the good parts more. Life can be a fucking dickhead and for months felt like there's a black cloud over my head but it's really starting to clear (studies aside HAHA). Being at rock bottom is really rock bottom but when you are slowly moving up again every single thing you will rly cherish with the bottom of your heart and that's what I may have been lacking for taking many things for granted???

There are really many ways to deal with rejection and disappointments but how you perceive it actually affects how you face it. Either way, in the future, you'll prolly look back and be like 'ya I've been through it and it's over' and that feeling is THE BEST.


BUT BACK ON TOPIC YA.

Thank you for being there for me :-))) fucking cheesy and fucking gross but still nid to b said yaaaa.

Luv, Tingz

MERRY CHRISTMAS // musings

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! <3

:> tehee it's finally christmas! Didn't really feel the mood initially but these few days have been amazing; basking in the christmas mood, going for christmas shopping, going out with people etc. I'm sure all of you are also doing that too! :>

Looking back at 2015, I guess it's been full of ups and downs. There are times when I was really really down, but there are also times when I enjoyed myself so much! It has been extraordinary, especially after leaving JC and entering university. Getting my grades, still being ever so uncertain on my future path, doing everything spontaneously, working, entering university... Everything made this year so special :> 

BBB

Y'ALL plz don't forget me when y'all have boyfriends k :< Spending Christmas eve eve and eve with you guys was amazingggg <3 We even finally have a sleepover together!!! (although we r 5ever missing Nhu :<) Gardens by the Bay was beautiful but crowd was horrible but y'all made everything hilarious and fun!!! Nevertheless, thanks for being my overly attached BBB where we met nearly everyday during the break before uni during one period of time :> Though I can be mean sometimes but I can never get enough of you guys and I rly love how we all just bare our souls to each other and just judge openly <3 Although we are mostly in different schools, I'm so so glad we still got to meet up and Es is even back in Singapore! (and Qi out of Pulau NTU) And everyone else in NUS we have been meeting constantly nearly everyday to study during the exams period :> vvvvv fortunate to have y'all by my side in everything <3

吃不肥

GUYS this name is rly rly weird but HAHA fine. It's really weird how we got so close together doing all the stupid shits together and having each other's back and working together :> Y'all have been an awesome bunch, and although we are all in different schools ever since ANDSS but I'm so glad we are still as close as ever :> We don't meet much cause our timings always clash but we are still able to be so comfortable and talk cock with each other all the time <3 

Ms. Noob

HI nooby I was trying to think of a group of friends you are in but I can pinpoint exactly so -.- ANYWAY, plz be my lawyer next time ok!! And I rly dk why you like cats so much so here's some cats for you!!! :> Thanks for being my wife-y/ex wife-y/wife-y again and being there for me ever since sec 1 <3 I can't believe how long we have known each other already?? And I still rmb you scolded me for eating your popcorn chicken with cheese in school :< sobz. But really, I always feel so comfortable with you talking rubbish although we don't meet each other so often and sharing everything and being weird around you LOL. Only you know how I really am no matter how old we have grown ;> plz come to the main campus more often and study in school more plz!!! :> <3

Janey Waney

HI DARLINGS we rly need to stop have clashing timings :< y'all were one of my closest JC friends and being able to just say what's on our minds without thinking and although all of you are rly popz now I rly rly rly miss y'all :< miss the times when we could see each other so often in school and when we went for runs!! (plz go for a run together again!) Being able to just post random rants in the chat group and not afraid of being judged, backing each other up for anything and everything, supporting each other, giving each other advice made our friendship even stronger ;> This was a really weird group combination at the start initially for JAE kids in the og but I'm so glad we have became so much closer and for that thank you <3

14S06R

HARLO OMG GUYS I MISS U SO MUCH HAVEN'T SEEN YALL IN AGES. I really miss all of your bullshit every single time :< especially in class when we just do shit together, pon class sometimes, dilemmas, etc. Though we're not all in the same school I rly rly do miss your bullshits and the fun we've had :< so so so thankful for yall and PLZ MEET UP K. <3

T5

T5NDERRRRR maybe I have swiped y'all right in my previous life so that I'm able to meet you guys???? ;> tehee I think all of you know my story of how I accepted FASS just to go for the camp LOL. Although we met each other only during camp this year but we are all still able to be so comfortable with each other :> Thanks for making my uni life so much more fun and interesting with all the tap ins and tap outs from mon-fri and knowing all your stupid timetables when I should be memorizing my books instead and also just talking cock and asking the weirdest questions on earth (seriously). Especially even though I don't meet some of you often during school, we are still able to talk as much whenever we see each other!! <3 And thanks for studying together during the exams period in starbucks and being so patient with my questions and being aunties/uncles choping seats in Starbucks ;> Maybe we might have different timetables next sem but plz don't forget me and spend time tgt too k!!! vvvvvvv lucky to have yall <3

D Block

#dblockbestblock :> OMG HAHAHA GUYS sorry I have been phantom-ing for so so so long ever since exams period and even after that :< y'all have made hall life so so so wonderful and I had so much fun in hall!! All the late night talks, drinking sessions, birthday celebrations etc. has made me really love hall life :> and yall D2 girls rly rly rly blessed to have yall in the same level cause yall have been an AMAZING bunch to be with :> I'll be in hall more often next sem k!! :> tehee (just that I prolly won't wanna stay in my own room often ._.) LOL sobz. [I have my reasons ,_,]

Everyone

:>> Don't be sad I didn't dedicate anything for you k!!:< Maybe cause I couldn't think of a group for y'all to be in :< LOL but if you're reading this plz know that I am rly rly rly lucky to have you in my life!!! I may not have seen you often around this year but plz plz plz let's meet up next year okz!!! <3 

Nevertheless, hope you have an amazing and blessed day! Merry Christmas everyone!!!

<3, Tingz

Fun fact: Did you know <3 was a heart turned to the side??? (I knew ok :>)

The BEST birthday present

hey ;)

YAY ok lemme just enjoy the few more minutes of my birthday <3 HAHAHH

My mom made this!! <3

Spent my birthday a little unusually this year, with the start being ahem ahem LOL. Last night MY and Theresa came to my hall to drink and they really surprised me with a cake!!! :>

I really got damn shocked cause I didn't expect them to get a cake for me <3 Love you guys :') I was really really really touched!!!!

Then yupz Dong and Leumas came by before going together ^^

Anyway, I met up with BBB at vivo to eat lunch at Marche. And Dong was just quite fail at making the non-surprise a surprise and she was desperately trying to save what's left of the surprise LOL. HAHAHA. Last year for my birthday we also went for Marche, but this year's a little different, cause we are missing 2 of our BBBs :( Ass and Nhu are overseas studying now which makes me feel so empty, like there's something missing even when we were together. But I really really really missed hanging out with all of them, and catching up with BBB. Guys I rly missed uall <3

And we just did really random life updates which were stupid but hilarious HAHA. And just chatted about about all our worries, troubles, basically just life. I felt so comfortable talking to them and actually their existence and them being there for lunch with me was already a really really really great birthday present <3

(Marche was really good omg AHHAHA)

ALI STOP POKING ME

Actually they gave me a OBEY shirt which was actually quite funny AHAHA I would never wear it actually but ok la I will wear it for y'all k since y'all bought this for me <3 HAHHAHAH.

Went home after to have dinner with my family, and when I reached home my mom was making a birthday cake for me <3 OMG I was really really really touched cause we kinda quarreled before that which made me feel really shitty about going home but she still made me a cake :')

Ordered Pizza Hut for dinner in the end cause my brother refused to go out to eat dinner, but at least we got to eat the new cheesy pizza which was INSANELY DELICIOUS. OMG I really loved it. And the truth is actually my dad forgot about my birthday also LOL.

Initially he wasn't coming home to eat dinner, but I think my mom called him again to ask him to come home to eat LOL. And my dad just went "why you never tell me today your birthday"

...

HAHHA I got nothing to say but aiya I don't really care about that la lol.

OK anyway just chilled at home watching movies and falling asleep.

AND THEN

Janey Waney chat started coming up. IDK but I felt a sense of familiarity just talking to them on the group and spamming and reliving JC days when our group chat can actually be spammed so so so so so much <3 And we were even searching for photos from our JC days and actually we all changed, regardless big or small, the change is still there. And because we are all in different schools (except for me and Lars but Lars med forever busy :( ), naturally we would have drifted away and distanced. But whenever we come together to start talking, it just felt like we didn't stop talking, just that we are really outdated about each other's lives so we NEED some catching up to do.

Janey Waney!! <3

Really, I feel so blessed to have all of these real and genuine friends in my life, where we just say what we feel and not try and hide anything. Being able to just be myself and talk to them is really really relaxing, like how we can talk about anything under the sun <3 Uni life may have taken up most of our time, but it hasn't taken a toll on our relationship. I won't say what my wish was when I blew the candle, but I really hope that it's one that will come true :>

OH and thanks for everyone who wished me throughout the day <3 I was really really touched by all the messages!

I think it's the effort and thought that counts and I'm really so grateful meeting each and everyone of y'all <3

And I got to talk to people I haven't talked to for a very very very very long time, which I really missed and I wished I had more time to meet up with everyone :> I've learnt to cherish everything that I have and all of you are my favorite gifts :>

Luv

Insecurities // Should friends be ranked?

Hey ;) 

This question has been in my mind for quite a while now, and really, should we rank our friends?

OK LA I ADMIT OK I was really hesitant about posting this cause I'll cfm get judged but wtv it's all in the past and like this was partly a drafted post which stayed as a draft for A HECK LONG HAHA. 

It can be just for fun/as a joke, which I really don't mind at all, but you'll never know who minds it, or even take it seriously. I've already been through being insecure about myself, feeling like I'm not very close to anyone, maybe like friends on the surface but not truly as friends close to my heart.(ok v confusing but it's true) It haunted me for years, and I was desperately trying to be accepted in any group that I truly feel close to. But maybe cause it was a desperate AND futile attempt, I found it hard to keep up with my personality, to try and fit in with the groups I've been hanging out with. 

Soon I realised that I wasn't being sincere anymore, to anyone and myself, and I hated myself for that. And I wasn't even being who I truly am. But after listening to HTHTs and understanding more about people, I realized that even the best people have their problems. It's just that they don't show it. And I wouldn't have known if they didn't tell me, no matter how observant I am???

Which is why everything is just in our minds. Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, and being myself felt so relieving. Any insecurity I feel, as long as I believe that I am not insecure, helped me through everything, making me really really open about myself and telling people how I truly feel. Ok la, maybe I can get a bit bitchy when ranting about stuff but at least I will tell the person I'm ranting about that I'm bitching about them. Which is really quite funny but it makes you true. There'll definitely be times when you will be angry with your friends, even your closest friends, but that's what makes your friendship even stronger ;)

You can be jealous of your friends, but ultimately, we are all different and they may be jealous of you too, but it makes you a stronger individual. People can judge me and I can also judge people, but in the end we will just forget about it a few years down the road and look back and laugh at all the stupid things we've done. Oh anyway I am no saint so I can be mean but everyone knows that so 💁

I'm so glad I've been through that stage even though it was a conscious effort. When people know me they have a choice whether they want to be close to me, and I won't have to handle that much fake friendship ;) And I really treasure all the friends I've made throughout my life for making me who I am and guiding me along <3 and doing all the stupid shit which I feel so so so comfortable in.

So no, I will never ever rank my friends. You all are equally important, so even if I've been asked to rank my friends, my ans would never be definite ;)))

VOLLEYBALLERS! really missed them alot :')

MR12 <3 been so longggggg

MR 12 <3 (those left after dinner)

This is my soulMAID <3

SWINGGGGG

really really love this photo cause we all look so happy <3
missing nhu and ali again :'(

Luv, Olliee