This isn't a really common, jovial, fun post that everyone usually reads. It's a week before finals and I've decided to take some time off studying and put together this post which just summarises whatever has been going on in my head for a really long while.
Sometimes, it's really confusing how life works. You could feel like you're on the top of the world for one moment and be at the bottom the next. Everything hits you unexpectedly and you are unable to shield yourself from it. You could think, "It can't get any worse." But you're wrong. It might.
Writing this under the blanket in the comfort of my own room, I feel just a little more protected; a little more safe. We are all trapped in the constant struggle of being under authority and wanting more freedom. As we grow older, we slowly realise how the world becomes more and more cruel, more and more self-centred, or is this the world that we have always been living in, just that we are more exposed to it? I'll never know, but the only thing that's for sure is that I'm slowly seeing what's behind that mask. There have been many reflective moments this semester, as different series of unfortunate events start to unfold. Granted, there are good days, but they don't last.
I still remember how I was so thrilled when I received the acceptance letter to Costa Rica (since I was on the waiting list), but I had to give it up for a sanction by the school at the last minute. I was devastated, and constantly thought of ways to save my trip. At times I felt really hopeful, but I also felt really hopeless. Wanting to not accept my situation, and needing to accept my situation were two different things. Nevertheless, everything still goes on, and even if I felt like I was trapped in that period, it was just because I created those barriers that obstructed myself. The only thing I could do was to make do with my situation and do my best to work around it. I'm really happy with my alternative plans for December this year, but at times I still sulk about not being able to go on the trip. It's now added onto my bucket list when I have the time to travel there for a trip in the future.
It was really reassuring for me to just constantly believe that exchange was my salvation for everything. "Maybe I'm clearing the bad karma I've accumulated so that I'll have the time of my life during exchange next year," I believed.
Then the next bad news came. It was regarding my exchange and I felt like my world came crashing down. Something which I have been using all this while to reassure me has actually went the other direction. I didn't know what to do, and even now, I still don't know what to do. Even if my flights are booked, my plans are all on hold. Everything I've been looking forward to is now at a standstill. It's all so unjustified, so unfair, so, so, wrong. I'm appealing, I definitely will, but what are the chances of keeping my exchange? I don't know. It's all so untimely. I'm angry. I'm not only angry for myself. I'm angry for everyone. But the only thing I can do now is to wait, study, worry, and wait some more. And when my finals end, things need to be done.
For every bad situation, you would probably feel a variety of different emotions. Personally, I would feel shocked, then confused, then sad (maybe), then angry, then resolutive, then motivated... and it goes back in a cycle. It's something like "THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF REACTING TO BAD SITUATIONS".
It's never good to see everything in a negative light. And it's not easy embracing these emotions and hard times but you just need to know, that these would let all of your positive emotions taste much sweeter. If you're facing something bad, know that you are not alone in this. Hang in there, time will heal, and when it's finally over, you can say it one last time: "fuck this shit I'm so done with you".
♡ PS. Tough times don't last, tough people do ♡
Luv, Tingz
