a h m a

hello :-)

This' just some late night emotional post so if you don't wanna feel emotional or anything plz skip this :-)

My ahma passed away a few days ago, on Wednesday 14/09 and so now it is currently the midst of her funeral. Today is the last night of her wake, and tomorrow will be her funeral. Truth is, it hasn't been easy cause I know throughout these few days I've been avoiding best as I can not to think about it. I still remember the first time I saw her in her coffin once I landed in Penang, and my heart just broke seeing her inside. I did not hold her hands one last time ; I can never play with her flappy arms again ; I can never push her around in her wheelchair again ; I can never buy her her favourite food again. Everything just ran through my head.

The past few days I've been doing anything and everything but look into the coffin -- seeing her face was just too much to bear. It's funny how everyone tries to make the situation less sad, but that's inevitable. I haven't really felt the loss of a loved one before, since I wasn't really close to my other grandparents, and I was still quite young when they passed away, but it's really not easy.

Even typing on my bed, I could hear the sniffling in the room when we are all supposed to be asleep.

But nevertheless, I finally plucked up the courage to look at ahma's face one last time, before she will be cremated. My uncle just said softly, "take a good look at your ahma. It'll be the last time you'll see her. May we meet her in our next lives."

Hearing that made everything so emotional. I will never see her again??? Has it finally sunk in??? I'm really dreading tomorrow. I wish she could stay with us forever. I really don't know if I can get back to leading my life normally again for a while???

I just know, tomorrow, we will need a fucking load of tissues.